FRIENDSHIP

As we approach November 5 our eyes are on who will be the next president of the United States. It’s safe to say most of us have strong feelings about this. However it turns out, it’s clear that we Americans have a lot of work to do on ourselves. Half of our country mates feel it’s wise to put someone like Trump in the highest office. That’s not going away quickly. But at this point we can vote and pray. As Joan Sutherland, Roshi, writes:

My vote is a prayer, and things go deep and still and very very big when I imagine all yr prayers, all yr small ceremonies, rising together into the winds that encircle this earth.

In 2017 when Trump took office I was devastated for many reasons. One of the most disturbing things to me was Trump’s complete lack of human values like honesty, compassion and rule of law. I immediately joined my local chapter of ACLU and began writing a book on values. I called it A Year of Virtues. As you make your vote a prayer I invite you to enjoy this excerpt from A Year of Virtues hoping it will help us remember that even in these troubled times there are plenty of wonderful things we can enjoy and cultivate.

FRIENDSHIP

“What is REAL?” asked the Rabbit one day when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. “Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?

“Real isn’t how you are made,” said the Skin Horse. “It’s a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real.

“Does it hurt?” asked the Rabbit.

“Sometimes,” said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful.

“When you are Real you don’t mind being hurt.”

“Does it happen all at once, like being wound up,” he asked, or bit by bit?”

“It doesn’t happen all at once,” said the Skin Horse. “You become. It takes a long time. That’s why it doesn’t often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don’t matter at all, because once you are Real you can’t be ugly, except to people who don’t understand.”

“I suppose you are Real?” said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

“The boy’s uncle made me Real, he said. “That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can’t become unreal again. It lasts for always.”

From The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams

When I was a little girl the families in my suburban neighborhood didn’t intermingle so I stayed close to home. Because of tension and discomfort with our relatives my cousins and I never became close. I can’t remember the name of even one friend until I turned 12 and was sent to a private school filled with children of creative, highly successful parents. It’s there that I met Suzy. We were drawn to one another immediately. Many nights we would talk on the phone for hours, sometimes falling asleep with the phone to our ears. Suzy knew how to be a friend and I learned everything I know about friendship from her. Through the years we’ve lived in different cities and were both fully absorbed in our daily lives. But we stayed in touch. Now, at 70, we send letters of love and appreciation to one another. On my birthday Suzy wrote, “Thinking of you with expansive love in my heart…what joy to be in this wacky old world with you lo all these decades.” I just love that Suzy Gordon. She made me real.

Linda lived down the block from me for over 40 years. We would say hello when I walked my dog past her house but we didn’t really know one another well until a few months after the death of her husband. I remember walking my dog by Linda’s house and seeing her out front weeks after her husband died. My heart was touched by her loss and her heart was raw and open. We both needed a friend. We began to talk and it got real-fast. Talking led to dinner invitations, which led to friendship. Now we laugh, cry, bring each other zucchinis and tomatoes and share recipes. We are an unlikely pair. Linda is a cattle woman with Southern roots, I am an artist and spiritual archeologist with Jewish roots. I’m all about organic produce and she knows how to grille a steak. But we both have the heart of a mother and that’s where our friendship resides. We are surprisingly compatible.

There are all sorts of friendships. There are the neighbors you wave to and sometimes stop to talk with, there are the people you work with, relatives you feel close to and people who share your interests. But the friendships that make you REAL are the ones that endure through fights, break ups, reconciliations, and deep seeing into one another’s hearts. Real friendships take time. We all have our broken places, vulnerabilities and aspects we’d rather no one ever see. A real friend stays around long enough to see those broken places and still love us. They may not like the effects of our shadow but they love us.

It is in relation to others that we really bump up against our inner angels and demons. We are able to keep our shadow under wraps in more casual relationships but in intimate relationships, whether friendships or romances, those shadows spill out and become apparent. That is why real, deep relationships are harder for people who break easy or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. The more we are afraid to have others see our insecurities and rough edges the more challenging deep friendship becomes. But if we can be brave and stick it out, through the mirror of our friend’s love we get to see, not only the impediments blocking our freedom and happiness, but our true, unique value. This is the gift of a real friend.

It’s more than likely we will hurt our friend at times and they will hurt us. Keeping a friend is less about never doing anything stupid or hurtful and more about being able to own our actions and make amends when we do something stupid and hurtful. Both parties need to be willing to talk it out.  The kind of friendship that makes us into a REAL person requires resiliency and at times forgiveness.  This is not to say that it’s a good idea to stay in relationships that are consistently abusive. There is a time to terminate a friendship. But everything must be carefully weighed and when it’s time to let go, we can let go of any residue or rancor. Just as in romantic relationships we won’t be compatible with everyone. Friendship requires a certain resonance and trust between two souls in order for the relationship to be fruitful. You can love many people but a REAL friend is something very rare and precious.

When asked if friends are important on the spiritual path the Buddha said no, they are not important on the path, they are the path. We delight in our friend’s good fortune, feel sorrow in their pain, share everyday kindness and always have their back. After years of laughing together, being quiet together, walking, crying, eating, disagreeing, break ups and coming togethers, through our friend’s love we become REAL. Through their eyes we see glimmers of the path to our freedom, happiness and awakening.

excerpt from A Year of Virtues, copyright 2020