Dancing through the gates of hell

In line waiting for my cup of ayahuasca, the drums beating a rhythm, I sway to the music ready to enter into the unknown. At last evening’s ceremony I was filled with fear. I asked mother ayahuasca to be gentle with me and she was. My father danced with me the entire evening. Nobody loved dancing more than him. His visitation reminded me to express joy and playfulness through my body, that my body is an expression of delight. Tonight I was ready for ayahuasca to bring it on, open to experience whatever I needed to experience in order to open up any clogged channels of my psyche. I wanted to be free. With steely determination I was now ready to enter whatever gate led to release of core suffering.

 The Buddhas first Noble truth is that life, with its constant change, with its nature to arise, go through a lifespan then die, over and over again, is a source of human suffering. Our natural tendency is to want things to remain stable and to cling to the pleasant while running away from the unpleasant. On this night I was running toward, what had a good chance to be, unpleasant sensations and memories. Firemen run into the building. All 60+ warriors in line with me were willingly entering the unknown together. It looked like a scene from Jonestown. But these were not broken, ungrounded people. These were successful, intelligent people all there to retrieve something lost so that their lives could be freer, fuller, more embodied. We were the uber sane.

I drank the plant medicine, returned to my cushion and fell into meditation. Deep pain and the urge to vomit welled up in my belly. The discomfort was not yet ready to be released so I sat and watched the suffering within me. I grounded myself on the Buddha’s teachings about the four noble truths—the truth of suffering, it’s cause and its remedy. I went over the details again and again as I sat there in ever increasing pain. We suffer because we attach, because we want things to be different than how they are, because we cling to pleasure and run desperately away from pain. The way out of this cycle of suffering is the 8-fold path; right understanding, right intention, right action, right speech, right livelihood, right effort, right concentration and right mindfulness. I went over and over this list in my mind and grounded myself with my breath as the pain continued to grow more intense. I tried to throw up to release the pressure but nothing came out. The pain worsened till I was nothing but pain. This went on for hours. The only other time I experienced this much unrelenting pain was during contractions while giving birth. 

I was fully conscious throughout the experience, which lasted about seven hours. I had entered my encounter with mother ayahuasca through somatic gates of hell. All around me I heard people retching, and screaming. The woman beside me yelled out in horror. When I later talked to other participants they confirmed that they too had been traveling through hell realms. Why were sane, intelligent, very together people choosing to walk this unlikely path? Our love for mother Earth and our desire to contribute to its good was strong. It was so strong we were willing to spend hard earned money, travel during COVID from many corners of the world, mostly the United States, Canada and Europe, without full knowledge of what we were getting ourselves into in order to enter the gates of hell to bring back gifts of healing. My admiration for the courage of my fellow travelers is boundless. 

Here is the point to understand, unflinchingly. What we were experiencing was not further trauma or unnecessary suffering. We were diving down deep in order to retrieve parts of our souls that were left behind due to previous trauma. Healing is messy business. In order to heal something you first need to see it and feel it. That can be painful. It’s seldom a pretty, safe, toothless process. Comforting ourselves with beautiful words and notions or reciting affirmations does not always go deep enough into the home of coiled up trauma. Even meditation can be used to stay on the surface of our full potential. It takes grit, courage and commitment to face our demons. I fully understand why someone would rather skip this step. But when we have the courage to face internalized trauma, joy that has been obstructed by condensed, persistent suffering is released. Our natural vibrancy and radiant energy, our soul, is released and our heart is healed. Love blossoms. Physical and emotional healings follow. 

Although everybody’s experience was different, my fellow travelers and I came out fundamentally transformed in wonderful ways. Some of us had visions, some were visited by ancestors or relived past events. I had a purely somatic experience. Mother Ayahuasca knew I could bear a great deal of emotional pain but was a wimp when it came to physical pain. Physical pain was the best way to break down my ego’s hold on inner trauma. None of us knew what this journey held for our lives or for the life of the planet. We just surrendered, trusted in the process and in our guides and jumped.

We go into the unknown bearing witness to whatever we find there with the courage of a warrior and the love of a mother. On this hero’s journey we need to be willing to bear witness to our own suffering. We start by not knowing why or how to do this, just the realization that there is nothing more important than unlocking our precious life. We bear witness to what we find buried in our psyche. Then compassionate action, our own unique contribution to the whole, arises and flows effortlessly with lightness and joy. A deep dive to retrieve our native bliss.

Ayahuasca is not a recreational drug, it is plant medicine. If you drink from mother ayahuasca you will be shaken to your core. It’s important to drink this medicine with people you trust. She does not mince words or play nice. She tells the truth unflinchingly out of her unconditional love for us. It’s not for everyone. But, remarkably, I awoke the next day feeling wonderful without any damage to my mind or body. I felt nothing but love for my guides and fellow travelers. A 30 year old persistent virus in my spine had disappeared and has not returned. I am clear about my life’s purpose. That’s well worth an evening down under.  Healing, really deep transformative healing, is brave, but I can think of nothing that is of greater value.