Into the Abyss

 …Bourdain was “given everything he always wanted: money, and a chance to travel, and freedom,”….“Does that find him happiness? Of course, it doesn’t, because happiness doesn’t come from external things.”

Dmitri Kasterine speaking of Anthony Bourdain

The quest for happiness is an essential driving force for each one of us, yet few of us take the time to really consider what happiness is and how to best create it. It’s astonishing how many of us think, if only I were wealthier, more beautiful, more respected in our field, had more friends, had more time, had the perfect mate, yadda yadda yadda, then we’d be happy-all evidence to the contrary. We try to find our way into happiness through relationships, adventures and beautiful things. Although our attempts may bring some temporary satisfaction, we are not on solid ground. It seems reasonable to take some time to reflect on the question, what is happiness? Where is its source and how it is created?

One could make the case that unhappiness, or its expression as depression, is a natural reaction to the onslaught of challenges we are all facing at this time; a pandemic with no end in sight, a dangerously warming planet, fires, floods, droughts, and numerous other natural disasters, the rise of authoritarian regimes, in the United States a country purposely divided by an elite cadre of those who seek to create an underclass, obscene income inequality and systemic racism. That’s enough right there to justify massive depression in anyone. Add to that list each person’s unique portion of betrayals, physical and mental challenges and disappointments and it’s a wonder that everyone isn’t clinically depressed all of the time.

What is happiness is a question, a koan, I have been working on since childhood. Depression runs in my family, both of my grandmothers were so severely depressed they each committed suicide. I too have a pre-disposition towards depression. As a dedicated meditation practitioner I have had the benefit of observing depression from the inside out. What does depression look like when I don’t follow it blindly into the abyss? What does depression feel like in my body? Meditation and mindfulness practice create a wonderful laboratory in which to study the inner workings of unhappiness, and happiness.

Depression presents as a deep, inner fatigue in body and mind. It then moves quickly from the physical into mental justifications and victim stories about how hard life is, how unfair the world is, how hopeless everything is. Each of us have our own stories and we cling vehemently to these stories. When stuck in depression we not only cling to these stories, we feel alone and unique as we define ourselves by them. If anybody questions our right to sing the blues we read them the riot act.

Depression thrives in rumination on the past and on future projections. Past and future are the air depression breathes. Take away the past and future and it has no oxygen to feed on. The antidote to that is bringing ourselves back, again and again, to the present moment. Anything can happen in the present moment, it is and unwritten slate. When we live in the present moment we live in not knowing, and in not knowing all things are possible. There is limitless possibility in the present moment. Even if it is dark or painful, it is alive and there is a sensuous magic in that.

This is not to advocate for living in the present moment at the expense of the moment that will follow, our future well- being or of the well- being of others. That is hedonism and has never proven to create lasting happiness. Nor does living in the present moment absolve us of past harm we’ve caused. That sort of living in the present is called spiritual bypassing, employed by many excellent meditators. There may be guilt or amends or changes we need to make in our lives in order for us to be truly free and happy. No matter how much practice we engage in, if we don’t face up to any harm we’ve done we will not find happiness. When insights into past harm rise up in the present moment we have the opportunity to heal the harm rather than wallow in it. We can make amends, make changes and move on. This sort of compassionate action is another antidote to the hopelessness of depression.

I still experience depression, only now I don’t take it so seriously. Depression is interesting when I’m not trying to run away from it. It has a soft, grey texture, a sort of dreamy quality. The fatigue, the fog, the coldness and hopelessness, is just another state of mind to explore. There is a certain richness experienced in the darkness, a strange sort of humanity and aliveness and connection with all other sentient beings. What would the world be if there was no dark to set off the light? Bringing myself back again and again to the present moment, being as honest as I can be about what I find there, rejecting nothing.

Bodhidharma wrote, “Every suffering is a buddha-seed because suffering impels mortals to seek wisdom.” Nothing lost, everything of value. The path is never mastered. It’s a way of living and a way of meeting each new challenge as it arises. We walk imperfectly and in the present moment amid the darks and lights until we can no longer walk in this world. Life is infinitely varied and interesting when there’s no resistance. To me that is the home of freedom and true happiness.