Find comfort, solace and inspiration in beauty
Today I’d like to share a very personal story with you. It involves a heated topic that feels quite dangerous to enter into, but that is all the more reason to forge ahead. We are about the business of building a kinder world. In order to do that, we need to reimagine kindness in all areas of life, all situations. There is nothing kinder than how my parents dealt with my pregnancy and abortion when I was 18 years old. This sharing is homage to my parents in hopes of entertaining an atmosphere of warmth for those who are suffering from pain inflicted on them at a time when they are most vulnerable and need to be loved, not shamed.
The first time I had sex, at 18 years old, I got pregnant. This was in the early 70’s. There was no morning after pill- not that this would have helped, since I didn’t have a clue that I was pregnant. My mother knew before I did. She looked at my skin and eyes and saw a change in her daughter. We went to the gynecologist where I took a test that confirmed her suspicion. When we were sure that I was pregnant, both my parents immediately stepped up to the plate. In contrast to the experience of most other girls who get pregnant out of wedlock, my parent’s did not shame me. They supported and loved me through this challenging time. This was especially surprising coming from my old testament father who told me, when I was a young girl, that I needed to refrain from sex until marriage because no good man would want to marry a girl who was not a virgin.
Since abortion was illegal in the early 70’s, except under very specific situations, my parents worked with a psychiatrist to make a case for the abortion, stating that to not do so would greatly impair my mental health. The case was made and a legal abortion was set to take place in a hospital. The doctor who performed the abortion was the same gynecologist who brought me into the world 18 years earlier. He was kind and, like my parents, non-judgmental. Wealthier families are able to procure a safe abortion even when it is illegal. Poorer families suffer the greatest under anti abortion policies.
At the time, I was a nursing student. Held in the warmth of my parent’s, and doctor’s, thoughtful care, the hospital event was not traumatic. Since I had never experienced a hospital stay before, I was fascinated to experience a hospital from the inside out. As a student nurse I viewed the situation with curiosity. When my parents visited me in the hospital room after the operation they brought along a present. It was an over sized art book of Chagall’s paintings for the Opera, The Ballet, by Igor Stravinsky. These words were inscribed in the opening page of the book:
To our darling Jackie-
Find comfort and solace and inspiration in beauty.
Our great love-
Mom and Dad
My experience of abortion was one of being held by my parents in the most profound love. I was exceedingly fortunate to have parents with the means and the intention to love me unconditionally. They put aside any judgments and walked with me through this difficult passage. This is rarely the case. In fact, I have yet to meet another woman who, like me, had a positive experience with abortion. Most women I talk with hold a great deal of pain in their hearts from past abortions. Some never recover from the experience and, at worst, many women die an unnecessary death.
Abortion has been engaged in since ancient times. The first recorded evidence of induced abortion is from the Egyptian Ebers Papyrus in 1550 BCE. Abortion is practiced throughout the world, both through herbs and by physical means. Making abortion illegal will not end the practice, it will only put more women’s lives in danger. In 1957, Romania legalized abortion, but in 1966, after a decline in the national birthrate, Nicolae Ceausescu approved Decree 770, which criminalized abortion and encouraged childbirth. As a result of this decree, women in want of abortion turned to illegal procedures that caused the deaths of over 9,000 women and left unwanted children abandoned in orphanages. Criminalizing abortion does not stop women from seeking abortions, but it does endanger their lives and bring suffering to unwanted children. An enlightened outlook observes this reality squarely, without sentiment.
Anti abortion sentiment circles around moral issues related to killing. The bible says Thou shalt not kill and Buddhists take the precept to refrain from killing. The Jains try to refrain from all killing by sweeping the ground in front of them as they walk so as not to step on any insects. The precept not to kill appears to be one we can all easily agree on until we take a closer look. The precept, or commandment, does not say “thou shall not kill humans” or “thou shall not kill zygotes” but simply, “thou shall not kill”. When I have rats in my house I set traps to kill them. I also eat meat. Although I did not kill the rats with my own hands, I did set the traps, or hire the companies that set the traps, the creatures were killed in. The animal products I eat were also not killed by my hands. Still, the animal was killed so that I may eat its flesh and muscles. The boots I wear are made out of the skin of a sentient being. I am aware of the many deaths my need for food and shelter create. Killing is a moral struggle thoughtful people engage in continually. I don’t absolve myself of any culpability nor do I condemn myself for being imperfect in adherence to the precept.
If we are to call ourselves pro-life we need to be consistent. Pro life cannot just refer to lives we personally deem worthy of protection- that is playing God. I think it’s safe to say that most people who are deeply concerned about killing a fetus, eat meat and kill creatures that enter their living quarters and may even believe in the death penalty or, what they deem, righteous war. Christians have killed hundreds of thousands people, often in the name of converting them to their religion. So how do we follow this precept, or commandment, to not kill in a way that is not hypocritical? There is no easy black and white answer to this question.
Reproductive rights for women are under attack at this time. Make no mistake, this is not so much a spiritual matter of to kill or not to kill, but rather a way to keep women as second class citizens. When a woman becomes pregnant it shapes and colors her entire life from that point on. This is not the case with a boy or man. Pregnancy can be wonderful for a woman who has the means to care for another human being. It is devastating for a woman who doesn’t have the support or resources she needs to bring a child into the world and care for them without inflicting great harm to the rest of her life. Without the option of abortion, a young girl who gets pregnant through rape has her life forever changed whereas the man or boy who raped her gets, at worst, a jail sentence and is then free. The pregnant girl or woman must lay aside her life plans, the boy or man does not. Males do not need to worry about sex leading to pregnancy, women do. Reproductive rights are women’s rights.
I think there may be a few well meaning people who have channeled their compassion into trying to prevent abortions. Although their intentions may be good, in reality they are actually creating more harm and pain by their actions. If these well meaning people could channel their compassion into something like helping the many children around them who are hungry, hurting, and unloved, or channel their outrage over killing to help put an end to wars, they would not only be doing good, they would also be doing no harm.
If you have had an abortion you needn’t feel ashamed. You are in good and abundant company, even though most women do not speak about their abortions publicly. In AA there is a saying, “You’re only as sick as your secrets.” I hope you can find a safe place to share what is in your heart and release any pain harbored by past experiences. Releasing shame is an important part of the awakening process. And may you find comfort and solace and inspiration in beauty and pay that forward.